Honesty and the Self-pity that seems to follow

Anybody ever watch Jon and Kate, Plus Eight? I envy this woman at times. Not because she has two sets of multiples (Lord help me!) or because of her infamous family and a little network called TLC, she can afford all that she can (okay, maybe I'll a little jealous of that too), but mostly I'm insanely jealous of all the video footage she now has of her children and family. Forget scrapbooking pictures, she literally has a video scrapbook of her family, their life, their ups and down, their fights, their vacations... I have millions of pictures of my children, very few professionally. Very few of these millions are in frames, picture albums, or scrapbooks. (So much for that Mother of the Year nomination) No, they're either in large tubs or online. Through Myspace and Facebook, I have managed somewhat to atleast be able to date these online photos (I'm trying to find something of which to be thankful). But I sit here and type, my children are doing some of the funniest things (picture Kylei on the floor rockin' it out with a guitar) and no image whatsoever of it. I wish we had cameras going at all times somehow to capture them.

I enjoy watching True Hollywood Story and it always seems to impress me that all these famous people have childhood tapes of them doing exactly what they would eventually be doing as a career in the spotlight, and not only that, but it wouldn't just be tape of them on stage during a school performance, but at home too. Or America's Funnies Home Videos....who are these people that they not only have tapes of school programs and weddings, but the ones who just seem to have a camera running for no reason and voila! they capture something hilarious (or painful, if you've ever seen that show, evidently running into a pole=funny)

What about people who (perhaps only outwardly) seem to have it all together- beautiful house, beautiful family, skinny mom whose youngest of three is just weeks old, creative in every way, always have plans, and a multitude of friends, perfect job, and all the benefits that go with it. You know, the American Dream, White picket fences stuff.... Call it what you will, most of us wish that was us. When I actually see those qualities in some, I become engulfed in jealousy. I will tell you that I am a very jealous person. I'm not in all things, and certain things rub me more than others, but overall, I admit that I am. I don't know how to change this. I know I'm blessed. I just also know that others seem to be more blessed. I rarely stop to think about those who are less blessed and what a spoiled jerk I must seem to them. How do I change? How do I look at the glass half full? These are things I'm trying to work on in life and it's not easy in the least. It may be my own self esteem that's taken a hit, but because I don't fit this ideal that I felt I should have (especially at this point in my life), I think others look at me and treat me differently as well. Sort of below them, or as a child. It's degrading.

What a pitiful post this has turned into. I think I've probably made myself sound really sad and even childish bringing it up. Yay for honesty!